So…You Messed Up

You ever mess up and hurt someone? Of course you have. There are no saints here.

Maybe you missed a deadline and stressed out your boss. Maybe you offended your boyfriend by invalidating his video game hobby. Maybe you chopped off your estranged son’s hand after trying to force him to the dark side.

It sucks.

Mistakes and errors of judgement happen. Trying to avoid ever making a mistake will likely stifle your life and career more than it will help.

Whether or not your intentions were good, the fact that you caused someone pain is hard. You want to get defensive. To lash out. To find a reason that they are at fault so save face.

But that hollow, sick feeling inside tells you that it’s not ok. It tells you that you need to apologize.

So, how do you apologize effectively?

Own It

The first and most important thing is to own up to it. Own that YOU caused the issue, and that the other persons feelings are valid. A sincere apology is one that comes from personal reflection and change — from not wanting the other person to be done having an inconvenient feeling.

So dig deep — under your defensiveness and excuses. Get to know and understand your own motivations. What did you actually do wrong?

There are likely two issues here; a relationship issue and an integrity issue.

The relationship issue is the surface level one: “Bob is upset because I turned in the project late.” The relationship issue here is that your competence or work ethic is in question.

You can apologize to fix the surface relationship issue, but without understanding and solving the deeper integrity issue, it’s just a manipulation. You want to smooth things over so you don’t feel guilty, so you can wipe it from your memory and get on with your day.

The deeper issue is an integrity issue, the gap between your performance and who you want to be.

Verbalize Your Mistake

Ignore Bob for now — what did you do wrong?

Were you careless? Did you assume that Bob wouldn’t care that it would be late? Did you deprioritize this project for another?

Once you have clarified what Bob’s issue is, verbalize your role. Own your part.

“I was careless and it hurt my boss. I didn’t care enough about what was important to him and prioritized my own wishes. I was inconsiderate and didn’t value the working relationship enough.”

Spend less time worrying about how to give an apology, and more time reflecting on how we can merit forgiveness.

Clarify Your Learning

Once you can see the heart of the issue clearly, the next step is to understand what you can learn from this situation.

What new commitments are you going to make to ensure that you can help to heal the past mistake and prevent future ones?

Take your motivation statement and add on a next step:

“I was inconsiderate and didn’t value the working relationship enough. I commit to being more attentive to my boss’s needs to better understand where I should focus my time. If I have a question on this, I will ask.”

Own up to any damage you caused, whether it was a work issue or an emotional one and resolve to improve your own motivation and skills so that your actions can be closer to that of the person you want to be.

You Can’t Force Someone To Forgive

When you do apologize, make sure that you apologize for the right reasons. Not to smooth over the relationship. Not to make yourself feel better.

The best apology is a reflection into how you see the situation and your own personal culpability. It gives others a genuine glimpse into your internal dialogue, both how you respond to their feelings and how you judge your own actions.

Focus on listening deeply to what the other party has said and understand that their feelings are valid. You can share your own views and actions, but keep your focus on their needs and perspective.

A good apology should stand alone. Not necessitate forgiveness. You can apologize all day and night but you cannot force the other person to forgive. This isn’t your call. Some people heal more slowly, while others bounce back quickly.

Either way, coming from a place of true remorse will lead to a more authentic mending of the relationship and greater personal growth.

The purpose of an apology is not to restore trust, but to confirm to others (and ourselves) that we deserve it.